Where is the time going??

May 14, 2012 — tbill

I just re-read a post of mine from May 10th 2011….last year after Mother’s Day!! I was sad that my youngest daughter was attending the funeral of her great grandfather. I was writing about how I had lost my last grandparent that last October. So much has changed in my life in just the last year….but I was thinking earlier today that so much has changed in the last 10 years.

I don’t know where I am headed or what I am doing but I do know that I have managed to change things in my life for the better….made a plan for the future…established myself as an individual with my own opinions….turn a lot of negatives in my life into positives!!!

I am yet again without a job but in hindsight it is okay! Since realizing that I truly wanted better for myself and my family & that I did not want to be in a job for the money or ease but for the love of doing that job so I can make a career out of it!

I lost myself in my last job….lost focus of where I was going. It is easy to get comfortable in a place that allows you to live just above what you deserve…..when you should be working somewhere you love that allows you to live out the future doing stuff you enjoy and not stressing all the time!

I am at a definite crossroads in my life….a place where I am truly faced with a life changing decision….I have to get off my behind and start doing what I have been talking about for the last year….I have fought so hard for so long, that the place I really want to be is within reach for me.

I have always had a problem with being held accountable for my actions….so I am reaching out to all that know my fight to get here and support me now as true friends would….if I start to let myself get consumed with defeat or doubt….HOLD ME ACCOUNTABLE!! Call me out….tell me to get my butt in gear!!

The future is mine to grab a hold of and do with as I want….

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Life is just happening too fast….

March 17, 2012 — tbill

My life is just moving so fast that I can not keep up with it. So much has happened since Christmas and it is just getting started!!!  I am getting up everyday and preparing myself for what ever comes next. My emotions have been on such a roller coaster that I am dizzy and disoriented!! My life had just reached a comfortable place and then BOOM! Here came all the new obstacles! I am slowly losing all the safety ropes that were keeping me a float. :(

I am still trudging on even though my brain doesn’t know how to sift through the sludge that is just sitting and pooling in my head. I am still in the presence of so much love….my family is my safety net….we may be struggling with what is to come of our future but we still have fun when we get a whole day to spend together! Thank you universe for placing such a wonderful man in my life!

I am not without faults nor is he….but we have learned to communicate, weigh our choices of how to react and how to solve the problems one at a time, together, as a family! We can and will get through this next phase in our lives!

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Another New Year started….

February 10, 2012 — tbill

Isn’t it funny how everyone is always so excited for the New Year….with it comes change, a chance to start over…blah, blah, blah!!! My New Year’s always come with a punch it seems lately :( If ever the universe wanted to test my spirit, sobriety and sanity, it has been the last few New Years. I always end the year with the hopes that something spectacular is going to happen with the “New Year” but lately it has been just trials & tribulations.

So the last time I posted a blog…I was in the midst of the New Year bringing me word that I was losing my job, my dryer had stopped working, my brakes are going bad and my hot water heater died…whew! Was that all?! LOL!

I have been feeling a little defeated lately…which is normal when things seem to fall into your lap so quickly and so very much uninvited! I really threw myself into kinda of a seclusion, just hibernating I guess you could call it. I haven’t been doing anything…gave up on exercise :(   haven’t been going out or being active…also I have been throwing myself into work and not making time for my friends. Barely making time for my family…and we live in the same house! :(

So how do I get out of this funk?! Well, when the muffin top started to become more visible…haha…that was a big wake up call! I have packed some pounds on that I am not proud of and it is affecting my attitude, my health and just my general well being. Since it took me such a long time to become comfortable with my body and the way I look…this has really struck me hard and got me thinking, “Wow, you need to get up and do something!”

You know those moments when you realize there is something that you have been trying to push down so it just didn’t exist anymore?! I used to do that with everything in my life by using drugs,alcohol,work or whatever…but now I have realized that when that feeling arises I must open up about it, work through it and not hide it.

The other day I posted something on FB about life being so amazing…See, I had just found out some more bad news and thought to myself: “I am no longer strong enough to carry this stuff…I am getting down on my knees and just giving it up to my higher power!” Can you guess what?! The universe listened…and I opened up myself to hear the response!

I was reminded that the small victories are what keep our spirits up and moving towards that happy place. I was reminded that all I had to do was ask for help from the people around me and my higher power. Once I became aware of my behavior and realized, “What are you doing?” only I could take the steps needed to obtain what I was seeking. :) I am the master of my universe and I will stay focused on the positive and all the beautiful things I have in my life!

My dryer is fixed, I have an abundance of hot water again, I am feeling motivated, I am feeling loved, I see the future though it may be in the distance…it is totally attainable!! I have the most wonderful man who takes care of me in my time of need and we have an amazing little boy who is so polite, loving and super smart…I have friends who are there for me when I ask…and I have a belief in something greater than myself that reaches in and lifts up my heart for just a moment so I can feel the love that surrounds me! <3

Remember: Life is what you make it! Nothing great is just handed to you…you must work for the life you seek and always try to turn those  negatives into positives! Life is amazing if you chose to make it that way!

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Well Hello 2012?!?!?!?!

January 4, 2012 — tbill

So it is only the 4th day of the New Year and I have already had enough of it!!!  I have been trying to write this blog entry for days but I am just burnt out on the positivity when I get home from work. I have not lost my positive outlook it is just that when I get home I need to sit down and feel the emotions going through me. Let me explain what is going on….

Christmas was great!! Had a great time with the in-laws and had an offer placed on the table that is too good to be true. We have a chance to obtain some good stuff for our future but it would entail lots of change and a move from where we are now. I won’t go too much into detail yet but it is very pertinent to the future!

Come back from Christmas and find out that my retail store (which is a big chain) is going to close some of their stores down. Come to work the next day after the press has leaked the story to find out that my store is 1 of the stores on the chopping block!! :( Are you kidding me?! When I started this blog I was in the same situation….laid off and on unemployment delivering newspapers…uggghhh!!

Next punch to the stomach is 2 days of cold showers because our water heater decides to go out….really?! Could the universe not pick a more perfect time. Luckily we have a great landlord but he purchased a smaller one and now we only have a limited amount of hot water everyday! :( I have 2 adults, a 3yr old & 2 dogs….we can not live on 1 shower, 1 load of laundry & 1 load of dishes a day!!

Now the upper cut to the chin….doing laundry in the morning before work (which is the day I found out about the lack of hot water…another cold shower that day) and I go to get my clothes out of the dryer and they are cold and wet after 50 minutes of drying!!!  Can you believe it?! The heating element went out in my dryer!!!

On to the kidney shot….stepping on the brakes on the ride down from seeing my parents & sisters family….they are shaking…WHAT?!  I need to now replace my brakes….not quite sure if it’s the drums and pads but who cares…it is all expensive!! double sad face :( :(

Could I be more sad and depressed?! Could I have gone off the deep end and got all crazy and drugged up?! Well yes, that is an option…but I do not choose to react that way anymore. I had normal down in the dumps feelings, sure I said, “Why now?!” but I did not say, “Why me?!” I have come to believe very much that “Everything happens for a reason”

Sure it is hard going to work everyday and trying to be positive all day so my co-workers try to stay positive as well…as well as the regular customers that have sympathy for us because we are losing our job. Some of the customers are not so sympathetic and down right rude…which make it hard for me to stay positive but I do it and I will continue to be positive. I may have to take a breather at home and cry a bit but I will not sit in pity…I will move forward into the next step of my life!!!

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Some many emotions flowing through me…..

December 19, 2011 — tbill

OMG!!!!  That is all I can say tonight….I have so much flowing through my brain, my heart and my soul….ahhhhhh!! I have so many emotions just garbled up in me that I can not even think and I feel like YELLLLLLLLINNNNNG!!! Whew…that felt good!!

Lets get things started with a positive vibe….my oldest turns 21 today!! I have so much emotion going on….hurt that I missed so much of her life…pain for the pain she must feel…shame for not being strong enough to be a better parent for her….grateful for her being back in my life…pride for how strong of a woman she has become…thankful for her ability to move on from the past & pure joy for the fact that I have the ability to write a better future for us!

Moving on to the next emotion….apprehension about my job situation at the moment?!?! I enjoy my retail job but that is exactly what it is! A JOB! I do not want to spend the rest of my life doing that job. I want to stay on the path of reaching my goals to obtain the career I want to be in!!! But I fear that I have already developed that “obligated” feeling with a “comfortable” steady paycheck feeling! To move in the direction of the career I want so badly. I have to take a giant leap of faith that I have not really done before?!

Next I am feeling pretty shaky about getting through the hour shortage coming up at work :( & the other job isn’t guaranteed income quite yet?!?!

I am crying, I am worried, I am filled with anger, I am jealous, I am wondering why….but in the next breath I am smiling, I am confident, I am joyful, I am appreciative for what comes next! I am the maker of my future….I choose what steps I am going to take…I am grateful for the wonderful man in my life that supports me fully and unconditionally & for our beautiful son <3

Just breathe….deep cleansing breathes….and this too shall pass….Life Is Beautiful!!  My future is Bright!!

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